And the Earth Trembled.

Actor's Delight.

The year's been overwhelmed by constant chatter concerning a particular King and Queen, but never once have the whispers bloomed into a scream about performances far more regal and richly layered.

So, in apprecation of those that captivated by drawing us into their private worlds:

Gillian Anderson as Sarah Merrit in The Last King of Scotland
Christian Bale as Alfred Borden in The Prestige
Ivana Baquero as Ofelia in El Laberinto del Fauno
Maria Bello as Marcia Prior Glass in The Sisters
Jessica Biel as Sophie in The Illusionist
Steve Carell as Frank in Little Miss Sunshine
Abbie Cornish as Candy in Candy
Penélope Cruz as Raimunda in Volver
Matt Damon as Colin Sullivan in The Departed
Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Matt Dillon as Henry Chinaski in Factotum
Leonardo DiCaprio as Danny Archer in Blood Diamond
Chiwetel Ejiofor as Lola in Kinky Boots
Vera Farmiga as Teresa Gazelle in Running Scared
Jodelle Ferland as Jeliza-Rose in Tideland
Charlotte Gainsbourg as Stéphanie in La Science des rêves
Paul Giamatti as Inspector Uhl in The Illusionist
Eva Green as Vesper Lynd in Casino Royale
Djimon Hounsou as Solomon in Blood Diamond
Danny Huston as Arthur Burns in The Proposition
Mia Kirshner as Elizabeth Short in The Black Dahlia
Sook-Yin Lee as Sofia in Shortbus
Gong Li as Empress Phoenix in Man cheng jin dai huang jin jia
Sergi Lopez as Capitán Vidal in El Laberinto del Fauno
James McAvoy as Nicholas Garrigan in The Last King of Scotland
Idina Menzel as Vera Rivkin in Ask the Dust
Gretchen Mol as Bettie Page in The Notorious Bettie Page
Eddie Murphy as James “Thunder” Early in Dreamgirls
Sophia Myles as Isolde in Tristan & Isolde
Bill Nighy as Davey Jones in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Guy Pearce as Andy Warhol in Factory Girl
Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa in Rocky Balboa
Emma Thompson as Kay Eiffel in Stranger Than Fiction
Mark Wahlberg as Sgt. Dignam in The Departed
Paul Walker as Joey Gazelle in Running Scared
Naomi Watts as Kitty Fane in The Painted Veil
Forest Whitaker as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland
Kate Winslet as Tula in Romance & Cigarettes
Emily Woof as Ruth in Wondrous Oblivion

And to those shining four that, belonging to their distinct categories, devoured the stars at every turn, by:

Inspiring awkward humour and spells of longing with a single glance.


Radiating an energy so distracting, its playfulness keeps you hidden in the dark.


Confidently billowing with more life than a drop of ink cast into a glass of water.


Showing us that the internal fight in a man can only be exposed under the guise of another.


And the rest is dross.

2006: Boffo to Bombast, Part Two.

Finally spiraling upwards until we can stand on that cinematic cloud that nobody else is allowed on.

75. Flushed Away directed by David Bowers & Sam Fell
Produces little of the Britwit we’ve come to expect from Aardman by delighting itself with a slew of slapstick gags, but when they subside, a new spin on the City/Country Mouse takes life by way of its lively cast tackling the sewage sodden script.

74. Hard Candy directed by David Slade (2005)
Bogged down by self-righteousness and a ridiculously perfect ending, Ellen Page and Patrick Wilson wield an intense chemistry even as this psychotic slaying of impure impulse turns to droning sadism in the form of woman warrior rants.

73. Letters from Iwo Jima directed by Clint Eastwood
While it relaxes on the outpour of humanity its companion piece suffered from, the material proves more deftly staged as Ken Wantanbe takes the forefront and leads with compassionate oomph, but it begins courting with grandeur and warmth only to reel in neither.

72. Little Children directed by Todd Field
Alien abduction suburbia complete with filthy situations and closet oddballs. Though truth is demanded from the actors, it’s eclectic neighborhood with hollow boxes for houses approach feels more like sham outlandishness.

71. The Pursuit of Happyness directed by Gabriele Muccino
Albeit the good intentions, the constant puncturing of our admirable leading man’s dreams make for clear pity-draining. Smith’s genuine connection with his son establishes a gesture of true emotion even when stormed by Lifetime charades.

70. V for Vendetta directed by James McTeigue
O for Overblown. Only an inept director could make this All-Star ensemble useless by devouring spoonfuls of false philosophy, but by knowing that McTeigue has been banking on a Kubrickian classical-music-to-carnage episode and allowed Hugo Weaving to eat up the lens with dashes of artistic zip, Orwell would gag a little less.

69. Superman Returns directed by Bryan Singer
Brandon Routh’s spotless channeling of Reeves is a returning ingredient worth consuming while Spacey and Posey make for a villainous pair even when the love story takes a dive beneath long stretches of lifeless computer generated action that never fashion a sense of nostalgia between its stargazing.

68. For Your Consideration directed by Christopher Guest
Majorly reduced to patterned cracks at Hollywood and an uncharacteristically flat depth to its characters, Guest and company don’t wield their contemptuous charm enough to fuel their normal snowballing of gags and irony-laden kicks to provide for long bouts of laughter, just a slight nod every now and then.

67. The Queen directed by Stephen Frears
Universal interest of the situation is shown to be anything but tacky family drama but sometimes pauses with a royal yawn making Frears’ masterly segueing of the events and hairsplitting uncanniness of Mirren slaves to the absence of insight.

66. World Trade Center directed by Oliver Stone
Handicapped by an acute lack of radicalism associated with the first name in the credits, it turns over an earnest heroism that allows for plenty of tears to make up for the air of inevitable nonchalance to come in the post-viewing ride home in this warming but stockpile Ron Howard tragedy.

65. Hollywoodland directed by Allen Coulter
Sleazy detective yarn whose too-neatly trimmed goings on are shackled whenever Affleck’s measured Man of Steel commands attention and turns all to glitter as he slowly spirals down to dust in his unsettling, clouded demise.

64. Night at the Museum directed by Shawn Levy
Delightful sweeps of energetic CG romps make the family feel-good doses bearable with Stiller allowing his shtick to work for, instead of in front of, the festivities around him, including a sprinkling of cheerfully immature cameos.

63. The Da Vinci Code directed by Ron Howard
Rightly criticized but enjoyable all the same. Though the highly mismatched cast deflates the suspense, the constant allure of the enigma at hand in combination with supreme technical efforts make it an absorbing twist, even if it can be seen as a stern cousin to “National Treasure”.

62. Man cheng jin dai huang jin jia directed by Yimou Zhang
Chimera-lit Chinese soap opera that can’t get past its own wailing hysterics to allow the story to make an impact. In suit with the overwrought accent, Gong Li pitches a bewitchingly one-note performance that tears everything down in glorious excess.

61. Half Nelson directed by Ryan Fleck
Skeletal framework of an examination on the effect of urban decay that glimmers with a front of hope every now and then. Despite the tiresome direction, Gosling brings on an easygoing articulation to his weary bones and shows up the film without thesping.

60. Unknown White Male directed by Rupert Murray (2005)
Veracity and imagination may get boggled in the proceedings, but Murray crafts an unusually sympathetic mood for his friend, addled by amnesia. Though it devolves into nonsensical abstract disarray by the final minutes, it consistently bends the mind.

59. Jackass: Number Two directed by Jeff Tremaine
Darwin allows his survival concept to inspire more than scientific and philosophic theorization, but the self-committed shrivel of the gene pool by being the “Citizen Kane” of gross out flicks meant purely for a stomach churning chuckle.

58. Saw III directed by Darren Lynn Bousman
Games are made more gruesome as Jigsaw pieces together more puzzles for the unsuspecting crowd of ungratefuls, but this time heightens the preaching while dumping enough to blood to make Carrie’s prom mishap look like an overdue menstrual swing.

57. Ask the Dust directed by Robert Towne
Misery loves company as a slow wind unravels itself to reveal an impassioned, if not overly long, flame sparked and cooled equally by a ravishing couple in Farrell and Hayek. While the tease of matinee amour often becomes exhausting, the aura of old school Hollywood sizzles.

56. Cars directed by John Lasseter
Pixar’s least resonant feature to date, but not without character. Though a formidable cast is assembled to tackle the “Doc Hollywood Goes Nascar”/Reserve Our Town crisis, neither can compete with animation so vigorous you can smell the burn of the tires and feel the sun setting on the tan of your forearm.

55. Factory Girl directed by Gregory Hoblit
Like a hipster’s cautionary tale penned with robots spouting off Ginsberg’s blustering bohemian rhapsody. But, amongst the pop art trash feel lay two performances etched in gold. Pearce’s Warhol is painted in funk, but Sienna Miller’s cherry picked title performance is that which has me groping for words to make vivid her grandeur.

54. Copying Beethoven directed by Agnieskza Holland
While it can’t tame its vigor when faced with quieter moments, Holland’s 15 minute long crowned jewel of the performance of a ghost composed Ninth Symphony gives us a glimpse of the awe upon the ears to those that first heard it, but shadows everything thereafter.

53. Thank You for Smoking directed by Jason Reitman
Shallow satirization inhaled by an Aaron Eckhart performance so smooth in its glib spin doctor poise it’ll have you taking up the habit by midway through. By the end, it unfortunately quits huffing and puffing and runs out of things to sell.

52. Romance & Cigarettes directed by John Turturro (2005)
Failed but fun slapdash musical fiasco that leaves its numbers as more of an afterthought to the smutty pleasures of dirty talk which level into endearing ruminations on faithfulness of every kind as the mellow last act settles. Daydreaming at its naughtiest.

51. The Prestige directed by Christopher Nolan
Handsome hint of something spectacular that relishes in a disappointing, albeit chilling, twist that doesn’t allow room for imagination. Bale gradually becomes more menacing with every envious snarl, but Jackman can’t make that charismatic drive a duet. Working with a tattered hat, Nolan waves his fingertips for diverting superficial tricks, but never delivers true wonderment.

50. Notes on a Scandal directed by Richard Eyre
Caustic war of the hellcats as Blanchett and Dench continually sink their claws into the merciless clutch for one-upmanship, and the result is a firework display of disquietude and moral uncertainty. That around it never soars higher than acid-tongued eloquence.

49. United 93 directed by Paul Greengrass
Dawdling docudrama that gets set back by an assault of fact-heavy exchanging before leading up to a third act whose sweat glistens under the palpability of the moment. When it comes up for that last breath, the effect is inspiring. Greengrass’ commitment to the truth often bogs down his storytelling.

48. Clerks II directed by Kevin Smith
Not as keen as the original, but a rare blend of sentimentality and vulgarity as a comment, not disapproval, on the much covered 30-something nowhere lifestyle that makes you appreciate interspecies erotica almost as much as the insider fanboy jests.

47. The Lake House directed by Alejandro Agresti
Obvious flaws in its metaphysical angle don’t hamper the mood, one that bathes entirely in and for the isolated reason of being romantic in all sorts of longing, slow maple dripping ways that speak to you from the dark with sonnets made of slush.

46. Over the Hedge directed by Tim Johnson & Karey Kirkpatrick
Hugely bustling pro-conservation animation that doesn’t need to grind its ax to make sparks. Peppered with a troupe of equally vibrant performers, the writing ambles freely in a hazes of broad whoopee laughs and a well-earned warmth.

45. Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride: Hunter S. Thompson directed by Tom Thurman
Nick Nolte’s gravely narration drips with an ethereal cool as numerous amounts of celebrities recite their favorite bits of gonzo language and detail most private memories in this two-thumbed fist of tribute that lingers in a melancholy residue.

44. Factotum directed by Bent Hamer (2005)
Bukowski would’ve been proud of the way Matt Dillon sung his burly caveman blues as he tosses back drinks in a grimly comedic, but unfulfilling, view of the depths of an artist’s existential, starry machine.

43. Kinky Boots directed by Julian Jarrold (2005)
Small town Brits making a comeback through their provincial wisdom and unsophisticated charm. It’s a commonplace story interrupted by genuine appeal and a Chiwetel Ejifor sashaying drag queen so mighty that he could domesticate Dr. Frank-n-Furter.

42. Little Miss Sunshine directed by Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris
Honeyed in a self-consciously indie veneer and ends up like the Griswalds go arthouse. Despite, it remains a fully affectionate broken family piece that acquires its sweet taste from a bevy of boisterous performances.

41. Slither directed by James Gunn
B-movie throwback that plays its flesh-splattering with a wink and wisecracking heroes that make sure to include the audience in on the jokes. Inventive carnage that succeeds in testing your gag reflex while your tongue is planted firmly in your cheek.

40. The Hills Have Eyes directed by Alexandre Aja
By ditching Craven’s man-made-monster method, Aja is freed from all responsibility to humanize. After developing relationships between the troubled “intruders”, he allows the body count to pile up and never allows an instant of ease as it clicks to vengeance of the most non-romanticized kind.

39. The Notorious Bettie Page directed by Mary Harron (2005)
Sex and high society exhibit for one, Gretchen Mol, that brings such a sincere and shameless confidence to the role you’d just as much hug her as you would lay her down in your linen. It all skims along on her lovely black and white colored hissing.

38. Arthur et les Minimoys directed by Luc Besson
Blissful ode to backyard childhood fantasy, with a warming (but yes, very forged) backdrop resting beneath its visually rich voyage. While it owes considerable debt to other legends, its willingness to get stuck in enchantment is grand.

37. This Film Is Not Yet Rated directed by Kirby Dick
Cheeky activism near ruthless in its ambitions that does as much to entertain as it does to intellectually stimulate and makes itself more than a foul harangue on the MPAA by taking excruciating measures to examine each fault in and out with guerrilla tactics and a mirthful sneer.

36. Scoop directed by Woody Allen
Erratic whodunit with Woody’s copyright stammering guided by casual performances who know they’re in for light fare and surrender to the routine. It’s not vintage Allen, but certainly enjoyable with frequent grins stretched from ear to ear.

35. Down in the Valley directed by David Jacobson (2005)
Conceptually brilliant drifter western that saddles up a lonesome Norton performance to gallop through its mysterious canyons. Although the ambition far outweighs the talent, the spirituality makes for a forceful usher through it’s more conventional lulls.

34. Tristan & Isolde directed by Kevin Reynolds
Dumbed down historical legend demystified and flooded with a teenage accessible angle but isn’t stifled by the gloss. By passing on the more lyrical moments, what’s exposed is a simply tragic love story speaking to all ages with the benefit of an old fashioned leading lady in peak beauty.

33. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan directed by Larry Charles
Risky idiocy that takes extreme gall and a wit that sears to cull out blind bigotry from the masses in order to achieve the feat of disguising cultural commentary inside a trifling walk on the stupid side.

32. Banlieue 13 directed by Pierre Morel (2004)
Breakneck and ridiculous actioner that’s paced to techno thumps like an elongated chase scene, brightened by spots of ultra-stylized violence and one-liner’s that goo with rocker fashionability. You’ll feel asthmatic by the credit roll.

31. Lucky Number Slevin directed by Paul McGuigan
Pulp machismo writ with a sly undercurrent that comes and goes in misdirected murmurs of piercing banter more fit to be Tarantino does Seinfeld. When the tone assumes its centerfold trashiness, that’s when the bullets ring and games begin.

30. Monster House directed by Gil Kenan
Acutely written without the pretense of aching to please the older crowd, its sleekly rendered motion-capture only adds more to the essence of its imaginative 80’s feel when its almost obsolete love for adventure takes the reigns.

29. The U.S. vs. John Lennon directed by David Leaf & John Scheinfeld
Infinite legend of the Beatle is recounted through his often adverse stances and proud political fist, and neither fixes him with wings or taints him with blood, but rather advances aloofly through the life of a passionate man who made the world mourn in his fall.

28. Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story directed by Michael Winterbottom
By taking on the convoluted plot that a movie-within-a-movie-within-a-movie about a novel whose words can’t be translated, one would expect a vain temperament of arthouse-decor but instead finds a nimble and self-mocking inside joke that relishes in its own ugliness.

27. Renaissance directed by Christian Volckman
Briskly wrought noir with flecks of sci-fi that take its newly formed genre to unspeakable heights of beauty within the glassy breezes of pen and ink animation. While it gets caught up in its own logic, thereby forcing the action into a chasm, it’s cracking with far too much ingenuity to dismiss.

26. Lady in the Water directed by M. Night Shyamalan
Shyamalan is only partially successful in concocting his own mythology due to the hurried pace it moves along to, but the fairy tale is spun wisely enough to tone down the aura if it becomes too intricate and always emanates with the glow of a bedtime story through its lush photography and weeping string orchestral.

25. Children of Men directed by Alfonso Cuarón
Cold sober dystopia where quiet screams hassle the air which seemingly wafts off the screen and places you into its scourged setting of rebel yell’s and disregarded corpses that roll like tumbleweeds in the gunfire. Granted it can’t depend on the solemnity of its script or any particular performance, it stands alone as a visual feat, instilling equal parts madness and fear.

24. Casino Royale directed by Martin Campbell
Bond returns to his ladykilling ways as Craig takes on the ruthlessness the character was always intended to carry, making Green’s leveled beauty of body and brains all the more inspiring when one-liners and Aston Martin’s are tossed to the wayside in favor of drawing out his inner torment, naked in light of total character reinvention.

23. Happy Feet directed by George Miller
Even a brave but clumsy third act can’t turn down the volume on it, which’ll have your toes tapping from under you from the lowest octave to the shrillest of falsetto’s, and those globe trotting views of chorus chained penguins braving the chilled winds in favor of song and dance are ones to behold.

22. Stranger Than Fiction directed by Marc Forster
Showcasing Ferrell’s deadpan dramatic talents, it light foots along on the buoyancy of its whimsicalness, combining the burlesque with philosophy that’s eager to please. Some will call it Kaufman-lite, but the approach is shy in its attempt and outstanding in its reward.

21. Miami Vice directed by Michael Mann
Mann puts aside the pastel pallet and opts for one swathed in downcast blues as his punch-drunk swagger riddles with a seductive finesse and the single ambition being to ooze attitude at every cocksure grimace and bang bang whisper of gunsmoke.

20. The Descent directed by Neil Marshall (2005)
Marshall molds his vision in the vein of a bonding flick and ever so slowly the in’s and outs’ of the caves begin to pulsate with life and squeeze every gasp from your lungs as the suggestive horror turns into an overflowing creature feature terrifyingly brought to life with banshee wails.

19. Tideland directed by Terry Gilliam
Python enthusiasts only need apply, as Gilliam allows stardust to fall from his pockets in his most intimate fable, colliding with semi-surrealism like the fevered dreams of Lewis Carroll. Visions of kissing corpses and underwater vessels made from spare bicycle parts are muzzled with a single kiss from the bewitching Jodelle Ferland.

18. A Scanner Darkly directed by Richard Linklater
Paranoia-infused nightmarish limbo of batty vagabonds and addicts that jerk this hardcore cartoon with a depressing realism every time it delves too deeply into pyschobabble. The most admirable feat, however, is the handling of the external forces you don’t recognize have persuaded you all along until the very end.

17. The Painted Veil directed by John Curran
Demands patience, but never forgets that a quiet period piece requires more than soft laughs along the river’s edge to draw you in, but does so without vicious dollops of romanticism. It’s all a familiar tune, but done with such longing and a sublime pair of leads you can’t help forgetting the mishaps and end up swallowed whole in the sensibility.

16. Running Scared directed by Wayne Kramer
Big Bad Wolf tale that surges with an unabashedly violent turbulence at a streamline temperature without ever showing signs of breathlessness. As it unfurls, the perverse behavior only heightens and ends with the notion that every villain gets his comeuppance - by gun, by hand, or by his own vanity.

15. Shortbus directed by John Cameron Mitchell
So forward that Caligula would have blushed. Unapologetic, most’ll be quick to label it a gay fantasia of glut homosexuals or a flashy skin flick, but it’s truly just a mosaic of the sexually frustrated attempting to find their ultimate worth in a cascade of soul and hole bearing performances.

14. La Science des rêves directed by Michel Gondry
Gondry outdoes himself with this nude playland resembling the oddball child that sits in the back of class crafting cranes from his essays and spiraling wondrous little designs along the edges of his notebooks. Much unlike its cellophane waves, it's full of on edge romantic quirkiness that's not even the most spirited and neurotic of playwrights could reach.

13. The Wind That Shakes the Barley directed by Ken Loach
Thinking man’s revolution. Methodic strides of heartache and patriotism are hurled into the wartime fervor as the cobbled streets mounted with rain in between the cracks are called home to the ragtag soldiers drearily marching through Ireland’s once emerald hills in search of justice - even if they have to steal it.

12. Rocky Balboa directed by Sylvester Stallone
Pugilist’s swan song recalls early Sly in top form, in a performance so streaked with pain that the ever wrinkle on his face tells a different, but always sad story. It recalls the original in more ways than one, warming your heart and ripping it too.

11. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest directed by Gore Verbinski
Eyes rimmed with mascara and fixed with saunter that’s more intoxicated than ever, Captain Jack courts with the beast in another effortlessly entertaining walk on the wild waves of the drunk ocean buccaneers. Easily the heartiest companion to buttersoaked kernels and an affection for light humour dressed up in period garb and a rogue’s gallery.

10. The Last King of Scotland directed by Kevin Macdonald
Electric revisionist history powered by the tandem of McAvoy and Whitaker, who play off each other with a terrifying realness and spare no comfort with their meticulous devotion to the human frailty and why it’s driven to commit the atrocious deeds it does.

9. Marie Antoinette directed by Sofia Coppola
Ever wondered what Terrence Malick would have said to Jane Austen if they wrote poetry on notes to each other during film class? Sofia understands that the experiences of an avant garde woman are best relayed in a contemporary mindset and just like her life, style always makes a prettier pet than substance. Have the cake, it’s delicious

8. The Proposition directed by John Hillcoat (2005)
Gritty, hangdog western whose marbled sunsets match the material’s substance only in the color of their bruising. A savage ballad of vengeance that is intent on pleasing the eye as much as it is coughing blood into it, it transcends even the spiritual freedom of its genre by promoting benevolence beneath the purpled bodies and in between its campfire lullabies.

7. The Illusionist directed by Neil Burger
Candlelit emotion haunts this gloomy choral of lost love, crowned in a finale more masterful, more deceitful than the cloaks of the magician himself. As the last orange blossoms on the lips of a branch, we can only be left with the beautiful assumption that magic does exist.

6. Blood Diamond directed by Edward Zwick
Without slapping American wrists, it constantly beats its chest in favor of cause, but does so within the whir of the ever constant bustle as it thumps wildly alive with characters more internally forlorn than the world they’re so disgusted with. DiCaprio and Hounsou make for a volcanic brace of a statement.

5. The Departed directed by Martin Scorsese
Celtic punk bursts through the airwaves like that flood of discomposure before the fall in a society where the mobsters are ailing rock stars and cops are too busy for those they swore to protect. DiCaprio and Damon bottle so much intensity within their few on-screen moments, it’s hard not to recall coffee talk between legends as they let fly their venom in volumes of Shakespearean wrath.

4. El Laberinto del Fauno directed by Guillermo del Toro
Otherworldly concepts, where one can conjure monsters more savage in their dreams than those in the real world to escape grounded misery, peruse the imagination with a cutthroat vigor that makes itself all the more jarring within the streams of pretty promises pouring through the voice of a gnarled faun. A tenderfooted romp through a midnight forest where only evil resides though the moon sits atop the skies.

3. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer directed by Tom Tykwer
Images of tinder drizzling on the tails of fireworks and stale wine dripping from pouty, red lips are only some of the lustful aromas to be had and made so real that it’s as though they’re splayed across the senses more delicately than seeds on a strawberry. Romantic menace redolent with things most foul.

2. Apocalypto directed by Mel Gibson
Jungle poetry inspired by the most carnal of desires. Single-minded stomach to brain outpour of an adrenaline dipped fever as we are privy only to the virgin world of the warrior baking in the sun, where large cats prowl without warning, beating drums echo off into nirvana, and the still beating souls are torn from breasts in effort to please the Gods.

1. The Fountain directed by Darren Aronofsky
Chants of violinist solos amongst clustering, dying stars spilling out into the atmosphere, onto the snow, and through the leaves of the rain forest are so gorgeous that even the moments in between them become mournful. Time becomes more barbaric by second, death is our disease, and every time the hand ticks forward it slowly bleeds out our veins. But love? Not time in all its infinite drift can conquer the human heart. Heaven made.


And that's the double truth, Ruth.

2006: Boffo to Bombast, Part One.

As the new millennium of cinema kicked up its heels and rushed forward with its shameless blaze of box office grabbing antics and Gen-X authors, along came the endless criticism as every successive year became a victim of great expectations.

Boys and girls, from our beloved little medium - despite the bottomless well of remakes, sequels, remakes of sequels and sequels of remakes - some good has unearthed and crawled through those uncreative stretches and provided some otherworldly entertainment and artistic majesty. It's a year that delivered romances made all the more delectable because of murder, chase films done in the stark nude, fairy tales spun from blood splatter , and a hint that after all, maybe magic really does exist. Hell, even some of the sequels and remakes bettered their predecessors by a comfortable margin.

So in a small toast to 2006, an infuriating blend of pristine creativity and rehashed goods, here’s to the boffo and to the bombast and a miss & hit parade of the first half of 150 films that had me sometimes comfortably, sometimes awkwardly settled in a seat waiting for the titles to begin and take me home.


150. Old Joy directed by Kelly Reichardt
A needlessly and softly layered esoteric road trip with performances more depthless than the sidewalk puddles it’s so fond of capturing and more lazily strung together than its minimalist guitar twang score. Liberal arts majors unite.

149. Ultraviolet directed by Kurt Wimmer
Like a strobe-light induced seizure. Wimmer takes his patented kinetic style of combat and turns it into flashy arm wrestling. Perhaps it’d have been better to swallow my tongue instead of allowing this to swallow my cash.

148. The Wicker Man directed by Neil LaBute
Holds the same lasting effect of its father for the exact opposite reasoning. In place of being a creepy, mellow thriller that steadily inches towards the finale, it makes for something that can only be described as modern Ed Wood.

147. Manderlay directed by Lars von Trier (2005)
Agenda-grabbing eyesore that soaks in the outsider view of the carnal American with a shady past but has only a passing familiarity with our culture and history. Nothing more than faux-rabble rousing that ruins a fine David Bowie song.

146. 3 Needles directed by Thom Fiztgerald (2005)
A condescending foray into the modern political ensemble drama category, complete with left field sympathetic indulgence and forced outpours of unconventional love in an AIDS-afflicted, airbrushed world.

145. Snow Cake directed by Marc Evans
Snowy, sleepy, dismissed Egoyan material that lacks a genuine understanding of its own obstacles, necessary in order for the events to ring with any poignance. Rickman and Weaver are fascinatingly boring.

144. Harsh Times directed by David Ayer (2005)
Awful script and camera-phone clarity of photography make this whole thug-lite tale nothing more pale-boy-turned-hood dream a mess. Even the ever dependable Bale stumbles over the absurdity of the dialogue.

143. Freedomland directed by Joe Roth
Julianne Moore losing her child not only signals the inevitable sight of ugly lip quivering and wide eyed hysterics, but a distinct absence of quality. This red herring polluted see-it-from-a-mile-away thriller isn’t any different.

142. Firewall directed by Richard Loncraine
Formulaic as only the humdrum early months of the new cinema year could deliver. It’s laughable climax proves it’d have been better suited as the concluding installment of Leslie Nielsen’s “Naked Gun” franchise.

141. Snakes on a Plane directed by David R. Ellis
Empty-skulled genre effort that aches to be high camp and ends up trampling over its own punch lines till it loses all venom and needs to soar on foul comedy and lame out-of-air scenes bulked with bad sarcasm for the remainder of the running time.

140. Date Movie directed by Aaron Seltzer
Excruciating send-up of already bad rom-com’s that proves more nauseating than its bottomless depiction's of cellulite and fecal matter. If the hijinks don’t make for an off-putting time, the constant spray of bodily fluids will.

139. Colour Me Kubrick directed by Brian W. Cook (2005)
Master class example of how to let fascinating subject matter dwindle in interest by every creeping minute until the point of napping. By letting Malkovich chew the scenery, they’ve by turns made a garish and sluggish mystery.

138. Big Momma’s House 2 directed by John Whitesell
Apparently nobody got the memo that fat suits lost their comedic ingenuity after Eddie Murphy rode it to the bone. Not a single chuckle to be found around or under a prosthetic roll or in between the belly crevices.

137. Scary Movie 4 directed by David Zucker
Spoofing so uninspired, so weathered that its resorted to not only falling back on old gimmicks, but parodying pop culture mishaps that were funnier in the real world than they were amped up on celluloid.

136. A Prairie Home Companion directed by Robert Altman
Static when it should be meditative and oafish when it should be elegant. Even working with Keillor himself, Altman recalls the most unpleasant memories of his insanely inconsistent oeuvre by slowly revealing he's detached.

135. The Lost City directed by Andy Garcia (2005)
Long, dull exercise in nationalism abounding with Cubans that carry North East accents and a plot that assumes the impossible task of showing the heartaches of the revolution from the dollar green eyes of the wealthy.

134. Sherrybaby directed by Laurie Collyer
Typically downer indie creature with characters that have high ambitions and lack the moral courage to achieve them. Maggie’s performance is not only runner-up to her other work this year, but it lathers in faux-empathy.

133. Pierrepoint directed by Adrian Shergold (2005)
Monotonous character piece that unpacks heavy material with featherweight precision and a handful of performances so forced in their should-be method delivery they become worthy of the noose. Interesting material gone awry.

132. Silent Hill directed by Cristophe Gans
Although not bad enough to make Uwe Boll’s video game antics seem tolerable, it makes for an all around confusing venture that takes itself too seriously without having the courtesy to be as logical as it is visually chilling.

131. Running with Scissors directed by Ryan Murphy
Cinematic Springfield that reduces its potentially moving plot into a factory freak show that does little more than pry in on its characters ambitions and break them down. Nasty in the most unpleasant of ways.

130. Revolver directed by Guy Ritchie (2005)
General storyline made unique by its twisty plotting that results in extraneous and over stylized material conceived of with an astonishing lack of energy and empty artistic mindset. Even Liotta should be ashamed.

129. The Omen directed by John Moore
Remaking at its worst - that which bothers to resurrect the material with the slightest of change but can’t be budged towards creative toil in order to keep those initial experiences intact. A careless whack at classic horror.

128. Bobby directed by Emilio Estevez
Bottomless insecurity leading to liberalized crowing in the form of anecdote-spewing A-Lister’s that can only glorify the woulda been world of Bobby Kennedy. An ambitious but clumsy directorial debut.

127. Wah-Wah directed by Richard E. Grant (2005)
Filming endless processions of break up after break up proves as crippling on the screen as it is in real life. When the drama needs to be heightened, Grant resorts to nothing more than crumbled relationships involving frigid people.

126. Grandma’s Boy directed by Nicholaus Goossen
Entry into the the middle aged slacker stuck in a perpetual state of arrested development genre. Penis and flatulence jokes make their worn but never weary presence, just this time with no laughs involved.

125. The Good German directed by Steven Soderbergh
Unnaturally beautiful composition and jazzy piano balladry hanging in the air is disrupted by its otherwise extraneous plotting. While Blanchett’s golden age demureness is a sight, Maguire’s work ranks as some of the worst ever.

124. Poseidon directed by Wolfgang Petersen
Clammed down with modest effects, a wasted cast, and a budget that’d sink a barge with its waves of drama plagued by a distinct sedateness and evoking of a simple, “Let ‘em drown” reaction to its helpless pleas.

123. Water directed by Deepa Metha (2005)
Elegantly pictured memoir of time and place, but an emotionally bland and unconvincing cultural tale on the effects of gender roles in an intimate society. It plays out like a pretty travelogue for a carefree environment.

122. Chinjeolhan geumjassi directed by Chan-wook Park (2005)
Disjointed revenge tale propelled by an extraordinarily tempered leading lady in effect bogged by unavailing weirdness and a final act that has to rely on the fiery effect of voyeuristic fantasy because it can’t channel genuine sympathy.

121. Final Destination 3 directed by James Wong
The scares have become cheaper and the thrills more dull as both death and death’s game become (not so) mysteriously tiresome in a worked over exercise in the same format as its priors. Murder isn’t fun when unimaginative.

120. Little Fish directed by Rowan Woods (2005)
Meticulous, threadbare decision making haunt this otherwise solidly acted drama with a lack of ambition and unneeded annotating on all events foregone and anticipated. Bleak rendition of a bleaker story.

119. Hostel directed by Eli Roth (2005)
Hand stirred slop for the bloodlusters that’s reminiscent of “Eurotrip” after an encounter with Lecter. A gratuitous display of boringly perfect breasts and conventionally grisly brutality make it obvious as yearn-to-shock spirit with no-quality-to-find film.

118. The Benchwarmers directed by Dennis Dugan
Involving the miraculous presences of Deuce Bigelow, Joe Dirt, and Napoleon Dynamite clashing together, one can only imagine it’d elicit the number of laughs its fore father comedies received (zero). The worthless and not so grown up Bad News Bears.

117. Clean directed by Olivier Assayas (2004)
Lousy ethics-driven exercise whose constancy depends upon Maggie Cheung who, though reaching to the very tip of her nerve endings to find a magnificently textured performance, is a disconnected self-loather.

116. Death of a President directed by Gabriel Range
Even the heaviest of detractors and most thoughtful of wishful thinkers would find this interesting, even speculative premise grotesque by way of its shoddy execution. Sometimes lefty voodoo, often times asinine.

115. The Devil Wears Prada directed by David Frankel
An estrogen soaked “Wall Street” leaning on a second-rate Cruella de Vil impersonation, but Emily Blunt’s droll humour makes this ugly duckling, complete with vanilla performances, worth the stroll down the runway.

114. The Road to Guantanamo directed by Michael Winterbottom
Promising screamer faux-doc that, instead of drawing out a personal reflection on a prevalent sociopolitical situation, aches for our sympathy by feeling like a long Amnesty International plug with no viewer obligations.

113. You, Me and Dupree directed by Anthony & Joe Russo
Confusing and conflicting blend of buddy comedy and soul searching romantic drama that can’t quite find its flimsy footing in either. When the jokes crumble, the love is prone to be equally infuriating by strong breezes of warmed over on bended knee odes.

112. The Night Listener directed by Patrick Stettner
Sloppy adjustment of a chilling tale whose plot reaches its boiling point far past the point of audience involvement or genuine concern. Williams banks in on his dramatic endowments with a flair for moody dialogue, but nobody else bothers to show up to work.

111. Hoodwinked! directed by Cory & Todd Edwards (2005)
”Rashômon” styled fairy tale that disrupts its vision with toss away pop-culture stabs, abominable graphic design obviously construed under stressful nights during long geometry classes, and uninspired voice casting that seems anything but tailored.

110. The Holiday directed by Nancy Meyers
Bubbly but heartless rendition of a shtick with a script that’s more concerned with being cute than it is sharp on the edge of the break up. Even with talent of this calibre, stock choice of actors represent nothing more than silhouettes of romantically troubled people.

109. Driving Lessons directed by Jeremy Brock
Speeds off to nowhere in a hurry and can’t seem to finds it way back home on a regular pace due to its rather forgettable turn in’s from a select group of individuals. Predictability is forgivable if there’s heart to find, but alas, we remain aloof of every speed bump.

108. Block Party directed by Michel Gondry
Chapelle’s act grows into ranting, oblique raves about the street scene and keeps a wide eye and grin at every mention of the musical acts, but the segments in between the (electric) concert footage provide for uncomplicated, disinteresting slot fillers.

107. Candy directed by Neil Armfield
Not as sweet as its namesake would suggest and despite a brace of emotionally draining performances, it fails to make its mark as a modern day “Panic in Needle Park” and lapses back into being a tiresome, finger wagging drug tale.

106. Wondrous Oblivion directed by Paul Morrison (2003)
Well-intentioned but cheered up and played down examination of racial tensions by way of charming us with unlikely friendships. Emily Woof and Delroy Lindo are cast perfectly opposite each other, but Morrison can quite channel it.

105. Akeelah and the Bee directed by Doug Atchison
Formulaic long shot dreaming bounding with its fair share of montages and inspirational speeches that stay true to the triteness. Nothing spells “fraud” like an underdog story that should dare to dream for the bittersweet instead of ringing false.

104. Idiocracy directed by Mike Judge
Ruined by too many smug pats on the back for its social consciousness and failed provocation. While it provides some light amusement, the final result is that of a longwinded doltopian concept better suited for a five minute monologue.

103. Das Leben der Anderen directed by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck
Monotone acting that does little more than furrow brows and stay hurried on stretched schedules bloat this austere German Housewife weekly subscription. It reels in supreme technical efforts through the setting up, but gets buried in artifice.

102. All the King’s Men directed by Steven Zaillian
Remaining more faithful than the original adaptation, it renders the God-delivered ensemble and classic material even more frustrating due to its deadlocked tone. Penn goes for broke in a blustering parade, but everyone else gets a head bob.

101. Indigènes directed by Rachid Bouchareb
Stylistically Kaminski-lite bomb that drowns in self-perceived religious curiosity/perplexity because of constant shots devoted to the weeping Madonna and wounded Jesus. Lifeless performances cut loose in this derivative piece of battlefield honor.

100. The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things directed by Asia Argento (2004)
Though admirably spun as a ferocious, depressing parable, Argento can’t quite muster the nerve to match the emotion with the truly disgusting heights of its themes and as a result rings false on every level despite her strong work.

99. An Inconvenient Truth directed by Davis Guggenheim
Interesting scientific deliberation and what would have been a bell ringing call to the world turns to a sermonizing, fear-mongering lecture made all the more lousy by a lifeless Al Gore and obvious political play.

98. The Break-Up directed by Peyton Reed
Fresh spin on the rom-com whose sneering attitude takes a turn for the worse when the central lovers, played to type by Aniston and Vaughn, turn so relentless that it upsets the viewer relationship by being halfhearted.

97. Accepted directed by Steve Pink
Light and occasionally funny campus comedy failed by a usually fun Justin Long wading through his lines sans charisma, but even the bevy of freaks and geeks surrounding him can’t make it past the save-the-day routine.

96. The Sisters directed by Arthur Allan Seidelman
Contemporary Chekhov too literate for its own good. Brutal strip downs of family history and hurling insults make an appearance but, even with a richly hostile Bello, it never succeeds in becoming more than pyschobabble melodrama.

95. Flags of Our Fathers directed by Clint Eastwood
Bleeding heart call to our heroes with fancy footwork by way of its panic soaked invasion sequence, but milquetoast performances run their course and fumble the tenderness with a distilled pride.

94. Dreamgirls directed by Bill Condon
All sequin and no soul. Where Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson constantly wake the show from its slumber with electric vocals, it falls back into a nap when the diva antics become choppier than the technicals.

93. Babel directed by Alejandro González Iñárritu
Global tragedy for dummies with a rehashed appearance from Santaolalla’s multicultural three chord jamabalya and uninspired performers stuck in impossible situations. At least “Crash” had the decency to keep from blushing.

92. The Black Dahlia directed by Brian De Palma
Sumptuous modern noir featuring a small acting masterpiece from Mia Kirshner, but the rest flakes beneath its tight staircase swooping and junior gumshoe attitude that uses its golden mystery case as only a slight detail.

91. El Aura directed by Fabián Bielinsky
Deliberate (tedious) pacing blemish the story by turning Darín’s performance into slight affectations as the central dankness slowly turns muddy through its mumbling script and fruitless final moments.

90. X-Men: The Last Stand directed by Brett Ratner
Incredible, sky reaching special effects are the only distinguishing factor in this anesthetic entry to an exclusive trilogy that had previously opted for the route of wringing out superhuman fears rather than creating them. Ratner is a mess.

89. Venus directed by Roger Michell
Pedigree actors, the wonderfully doting crag of a man in O’Toole, zesty writing and a cushy May-December reciprocated with every ounce of vigor by Jodie Whittaker dribbles rather than floods due to Michell’s clumsy directing fit for a Masterpiece Theatre excursion.

88. The Good Shepherd directed by Robert De Niro
How does a money burning cast and high profile true story like this fail? Try an uneven juggling of seminal events for one. Drab strides for another. Humourless performances fill this icy character piece with only bit cameos and dark scenery to chew on.

87. Crank directed by Mark Neveldine & Brian Taylor
“Speed” for the MTv generation, complete with fast cut editing hysterics and blaring music. Despite the headache-inducing beat, Statham brings on a grim mug to counter the delightful Amy Smart’s perk in a lightning bolt odd couple.

86. On a Clear Day directed by Gaby Dellal (2005)
Following every genre contrivance available, it makes for an often agreeable and always mushy “Little Engine”. Usually chancy Peter Mullan pitches his working class hero shtick to the limit, but it becomes exhausting all the same.

85. Mission: Impossible III directed by J.J. Abrams
Better off leaving your brain at the door as the last installment swerves out of the route of its clever espionage touch and opts for long bouts of action that seldom develop any sparks. Great cast, great waste.

84. Ice Age: The Meltdown directed by Carlos Saldanha
Voices return but the charm doesn’t. While the original was heartwarming and turned to character habits and adult-aimed references for comedy, we fall back here on lame slapstick and an uneventful adventures.

83. The History Boys directed by Nicholas Hytner
Though previously bringing stage adaptations to life without a hint of stuffiness, Hytner can’t manage to get past the verbal sparring of Bennett’s words even with a magnificent leading anchor in tow.

82. Efter brylluppet directed by Susanne Bier
Deviated by a first half that makes proper use of its cynical outlook and a follow-up that turns into messy family secrets. Mads Mikkelsen’s work keeps in course with the overall gloomy outlook, but it crumbles beneath much ado.

81. Click directed by Frank Coraci
Sporadically sweet and irritating by way of Sandler’s 40-year old manchild gimmick that doesn’t ever seem to grow up, even when the character himself goes through dramatic transition.

80. 16 Blocks directed by Richard Donner
Routine action, limp chase plot and everyday baddies make a scheduled appearance, but in between the droughts of bland action, Donner devotes time to frame an appealing relationship between the leads.

79. Catch a Fire directed by Phillip Noyce
Optimistic, but repetitive, message protest guided by Derek Luke, who rips into his role with equal part aggression and warmth but Robbins’ hard nose never breaks his cartoonish lull.

78. Brick directed by Rian Johnson (2005)
High school underworld made every bit as lively and menacing as that of the old school gangster’s. While teenage woe is created without condescension, the actors (Levitt and de Ravin aside) can’t grasp the beat of the language.

77. Volver directed by Pedro Almodóvar
Even a delightful Cruz, writhing in a furious modesty, doesn’t stop this forgiveness piece from suffering at the hands of lady-inspired Pedro's poet-cum-eccentric gaudiness.

76. Inside Man directed by Spike Lee
Exaggerated caper with an A-List class left to plumb. Too self-aware to be sharp yet too perky to be cool. While Lee looks like he’s having fun for the first time in his life, his tricks are only intermittent jolts.


Now that we've braved the tides of washed over gimmicks, theatrical lapses, all-too-familiar renovations and the plainly dreadful, we can sit in tongue-wagging anticipation of the goodness that lay ahead.

What Ushers Find on the Theatre Floor: Or,

How to Explain Our Love Affair with Cinema by Questioning the Things That Bring Us There in the First Place.


Why do we remember the first settling of the light to the very last flicker of the projectionist?

Every answer differs so greatly - as though you've gathered your feelings together like sand in one palm and let it drift away in the breeze with another so they scatter and no one can claim them. We're creatures of the same breed with different hungers.

Some of us hum the "Mission: Impossible" theme while we urinate. Some of us bring extra quarters to the toll booth after watching The Godfather. Some of us want to go to France to experience the Royale with cheese. And, some of us leap on our desktops and shout, "O, captain! My captain!" breathlessly into the air. Some of us dare to dream of rescuing the damsel in the tallest tower of the castle. Some of us walk into Babylon and feel as naked and awed as the Greeks did.

However, finding your favorite film is near sacred. It's like seeing the prettiest girl at the party and having the courage to ask what she's drinking and tell her you enjoy the taste - it's a bold move succeeded by the rapturously unexplainable, and thus is the very nature of the questions at hand. Within that film, we pick up moments of our lives, fragments of things once precious and beautiful, and cobble them together and imagine what could of been, or what could be.

The next time you sit down, sneakers squeaking from buttered kernels, spilled cola, snowcaps and sour patch kids, remember that now that you've bought the ticket - you have to take the ride. Maybe that comedy will stretch your laugh and echo across the room. Maybe that horror will make proper use of the space between your middle and ring finger. Maybe that romance will restore your heartbeat.

And, just maybe, you'll fall in love.

Over and over again.